I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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