Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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