i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Randomize
