its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
