people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Two words: nipple clamps
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