I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
