I wish my penis had an off switch
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Randomize
