I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
