we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
