i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
