i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
ttyl tear gas
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i out mim tonsoeep
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