SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
