by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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