So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
