I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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