If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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