today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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