How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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