this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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