he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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