They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
