I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
