he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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