Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
