I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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