The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
