just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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