I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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