Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
