just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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