At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
