we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
