She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
