o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
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I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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