How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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