Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
