last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
