Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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