i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
