I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
