Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
