I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I believe in your delicious
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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