Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize