Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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