He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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