the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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