Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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