he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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