If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What a fucking waste of an outfit
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
