guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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