September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
