i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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