trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
