I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
