Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
