and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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