Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
