His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
