I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
