I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
