Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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